Three weeks ago we started with 64 characters now we’re down to our final two. Samus Aran, the winner of the Heroes’ Bracket versus the winner of the Villain’s side, Sephiroth, square off in our Console Carnage finale.
Samus battled back from a 60-point deficit over tournament spoiler, the 16-seeded Sub-Zero, officially blasting her way into the finale. Nintendo’s last hope looks to not only steal the Console Carnage title of ‘Greatest Video Game Character of All-Time’ but to also humiliate the villain’s champion by reminding him the good guys always win.
We got two finalists who were prepped for battle from the day they were born. Who’s going to win? The galaxy saving heroine? Or the Earth-destroying orphan? Hmm, legit hero who kills to save or crybaby orphan who attempts to destroy because he doesn’t know who his mommy and daddy are?
I think we both already know which direction your vote should be going. But just in case you need a little more push keep on reading to find out just why Samus will destroy the almighty Sephriroth.
**Remember all matches are staged in Pokemon Stadium. The matches are an enclosed battle where the winner is decided by KO. Each character is limited to a combination of five powers/weapons. Meaning if they have a gun and a sword, they can only have three more additional supernatural powers on top of that**
If you’d like to waste your time hearing the counter argument for Softiroth go check out WritingPBE’s defense of test-tube babies – not that it will matter much.
Console Carnage Final
(3) Samus Aran vs (2) Sephiroth
Road to the Finals
- Samus – wins over:
- (14) Ash Ketchum with 64% of fan votes
- (11) Ryu with 78% of votes
- (7) Cloud Strife with 55% of fan votes
- (16) Sub-Zero with 61% of fan votes
- Sephiroth – wins over:
- Who this
- Scrub beat
- Samus – Metroid (1986) – Nintendo
- Sephiroth– Final Fantasy VII (1997) – Playstation
- Samus – Samus stars in over a dozen games in the Metroid series. This doesn’t include her appearance in Super Smash Bros., where she was one of the original characters. She’s a Nintendo hallmark and a video game legend.
- Sephiroth – Aside from fanboy art, FFVII spin-offs, and an appearance in Kingdom Hearts I guess we can see why the ex-SOLDIER 1st Class is so damn angry.
All tournament long I’ve been raving about the Galactic Federation bounty hunter. Even without her super suit she’s got the smarts, the agility, and the marksmanship to dominate in this tournament. There’s no fluke the sci-fi legend won the Heroe’s side of the bracket. It definitely won’t be a fluke when she wins the whole thing either. Her natural abilities are greatly enhanced in her Varia Suit. I’m sure my counterpart will use the cliché it will take an army to beat Sephiroth – bad news for him – in the Varia Suit Samus is a one-woman army.
Varia Suit Arsenal
- Power Beam – Her infamous hand-cannon. A semi-automatic gun that shoots out powerful energy projectiles. Samus can also charge up the cannon for one massively destructive power shot, capable of eradicating the biggest game.
- Morph Ball – Yea, I know it is kind of weird to morph into a fortified ball. But you know what isn’t weird, dropping bombs on an unsuspecting foe while you’re transformed into a fortified ball.
- Suit Visor – Her suit’s helm not only allows her the ability to hack any computer, but it also boasts this match’s X-factor – a target-locking system that makes Samus’ already impeccable marksmanship even more precise.
- Speed Boost – The suit allows Samus to travel up to supersonic speeds. She not only can use this ability for evasive maneuvers, but also for offense. Her speed can help her close gaps and even break through concrete walls and fortifications.
- Enhanced Durability and Adaptability – Naturally the suit acts as armor for the intergalactic big game hunter. It also has the impressive ability to adapt to any environment. Her suit allows her to brave the hottest planets, the coldest corners, and the most intense gravity shifts the galaxy has to offer.
Unlike the OG that is Samus Aran who has used the varia suit’s main five abilities, Mr. ‘I’m too cool for a last name’ has used a variety of powers throughout tournament. Here’s the complete list of powers Sephiroth has used over the course of this tournament and will likely use any combination of these within our above mentioned tournament guidelines.
- Masamune – WOW, a seven-foot sword that can cut through metal. If that doesn’t scream, ‘inspired by a whack ass anime,’ I’m not sure what does.
- Shadow Flare – It sounds cool, but don’t kid yourself OP moves are never cool.
- Wall – Mr. Gorbachev over here builds a magical barrier to protect himself. Wonder how well that’s going to work out.
- Supernova – If you don’t fall asleep during the move’s cinematics, you might just realize you have all the time in the world to dodge this one. Not to mention – it won’t even kill you!
- Heartless Angel – Spoiler alert! Another move that won’t kill you and is also named after your father’s garage band.
- Illusions – Do I even have to make fun of this one? Who brings a Las Vegas circus act to a battle, seriously.
- Octoslash – And you thought Dr. Robotnik was cheesy.
Samus – I’ve said it before; I’ll say it again her biggest source of offense is also her biggest heel. The varia suit turns Samus into an agile, monster-ravaging tank, but it also comes with a price. The more she uses the suit the greater risk she has of going insane. The suit puts an enormous amount of physical and mental strain on the heroine.
Sephiroth– Sephiroth may wield a nifty little sword and have some edgy-named attacks, but the truth is he is the first video game emo. All he does is cry about his creation. He has some weird Oedipus complex with his genetic mother, Jenova, but his inability to come to terms with that leaves him borderline insane. His mental instability mixed in with his bravado make for a lethal combination of counterproductive traits. He’s too arrogant to actually finish you off, but that only means you’re left alive to hear him write a song about his terrible family life.
Samus– She’s already dispatched Sephiroth’s biggest rival, Cloud Strife. She knows how to win against Lifestream swimming 90s characters. Samus is a finisher. She goes in to do a job and she gets it done. Sephiroth on the other hand would rather leave an enemy with a tiny bit of life left then monologue long enough for them to counter. That isn’t hard. That isn’t badass, that just plain old stupid. Not to mention, Samus is already winning the psychological battle. I’m sure, knowing the fact that Samus knows who her mom and dad are plus continues to have a healthy relationship with her adopted Chozo family would eat Sephiroth up inside. Add in the fact she’s the video gaming world’s first transgender character and BOOM Sephiroth’s too perplexed to fight – total mind KO. Chalk this battle up to the Nintendo legend.
You know you should vote for the retro heroine, but just in case you’d like to hear how Sephiroth isn’t a lonely backup singer for Hawthrone Heights go check out the counter argument for ‘em here.
Otherwise lift them hand cannons up and shoot ’em in the sky. Samus for the win!
Next up: Console Carnage Champion announcement and tournament recap, Fri. April 1st
Cover Photo originally illustrated by Jeex Farfadet via jimboboxcom.deviantart.com